Yesterday, I cleaned the garage. Over the winter, I watched the bags, boxes, shoes, books, old furniture, Christmas decorations, and Goodwill items grow like weeds, until there was barely a path to walk. My car had been banished outdoors months ago, and what remained was a growing mess of stuff and clutter.
Sweeping, stooping, and clearing, I started reflecting on the projects, task, and promises to myself, that I put off for a another day, a week, a month, a year, or longer. I wondered, what were the motivators for me to complete some items and not others? Why could I always keep my "to do" obligations to family, friends and colleagues, but often fail in my obligations to self?
Each sweep brought a layer of reflection going back decades, of should's and ought to's, until I found myself swollen with emotions. Guilt and blame, peppered with those old feelings of fear and failure steamed through me until I concluded, 'It's about what I value, mood, and distractions.' Funny how I can get something completed, when I don't allow artificial barriers to get in my way. Funnier still, how the seemingly mundane things get done, sometimes with glee, when my mood is light and airy. I realized, there isn't anything that can't get done, unless I make excuses and avoid choosing consciousness.
It all took me back to my days of rebellion and defiance, when I wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Of course, that was before I entered the REAL world. But I wondered, are trances of that behavior still present? Most times, I tell myself there is no time; too many competiting obligations. And then I stare truth in the face. No rebuttals or excuses. You have the time. You haven't made it a priority!
Which brings me to this very moment, which Pema Chodron tells us, "Is the greatest teacher."
I have been promising myself for over a year to regularly write a blog for both my sites. I will not flog myself dreaming of WHAT IF, but starting right now, TODAY, I will not be discouraged by the tricksters of life. (I erased the first completed draft of this blog by mistake). I will relax into projects, taking one step at a time, like eating the elephant, one bite at a time. But mostly, I will remember to take deep slow breaths of forgiveness. Remember my hearts intention. And vibrate to one of my favorite sayings, "It's Never Too Late." And when I relapse, I will not be discouraged, remembering that forgiveness is the key to the freedom of my soul.
One last thing. Delight and a sense of accomplishment greeted me as I opened the garage door this morning. Order felt restored. Energy flowed. My car got a bubble bath, reunited with shelter. Now why did that take so long?"