It was by sheer coincidence (is there such a thing?) that the notice "Two Days left to enter the San Francisco Book Festival" splashed across my husbands computer screen. Excitingly, he suggested that I enter. Suspiciously, I filled out the entry form, sure it was a waste of time. Why? To keep my biggest supporter from bugging me AGAIN, about selling myself short.
A few weeks later, the notice of the winners flashed on my computer with an invitation to the awards ceremony at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel in SF. With no anticipation, I glanced over the list and saw "Honorable Mention" next to my name. It was an outer body experience and didn't register! When my husband came home, I shared the results, and he was elated. My response was, "Oh, they give that recognition to everyone." Duh!! He didn't question me, but thought to himself, "How can that be?"
The weekend of the awards came and went, but something kept nudging me about my assumption. With the inner critique loudly in my ear, I wrote the organizer, "Did everyone that entered receive an Honorable Mention?" "Absolutely NOT, less than 5% are recognized" was the response. Duh again, and talk about feeling foolish!! Now what was I going to say to my husband?
I still can't explain it. Why couldn't I believe what my eyes could see? Was it so extrordinary to belive that I could be recognized? Where did the assumptions of my books worth reside in me? I have pondered these questions with family, friends and fellow writers. And the only answer that makes any sense is my unwillingness to BELIEVE in being Good Enough!!
It's all taken me back through the memories of being too afriad to enter a contest, market, or publicize the many creative projects I have manfiested over the years. What am I afraid of? Failure or Success? I know from experience that through our failures we learn, we grown, we become fearless, warriors, triumphant, wise ones. So maybe it's S-U-C-C-E-S-S. Yes, I think that's it. Taking responsibility for failures comes easy, but believing in my success. Hmmmm, that's another story.
So here I am today with 3 Honorable Mentions at the San Francisco, Beach Book and New York Festival. I am still in reflection about all of this, seeing with new eyes. Trusting GOD with a deepened appreciation. Believing with renewed faith, that my feet are solidly planted on this path of bringing the message of forgiveness to as many as will listen. But mostly, to myself!