My beloved 12-year old Miniature Schnauzer, Fagen died at 3:00 a.m. on Good Friday. He had been diagnosed several months ago with a heart condition and we knew time was precious. But I was away and guilt filled me instantly as my husband shared the news. With each tear I beat myself up, “I should have been there, I should have been there.” It didn’t help me feel any better or soothe my broken heart. In fact, I felt worst beating up on myself. Fagen loved me. He wouldn’t want me to feel this way.
It all brought me to a deeper understanding of how quickly blame, shame, regret, and judgment happens. It drops all over us like mist. What if I could be in a place of acceptance and gratitude for the joy Fagen brought me every moment of every day? What if I could just be in this very moment, which Pema Chodron says, “is our greatest teacher?” What if I could forgive myself for not being present?
With this thought I entered the sunlight of the day. No sooner had I stepped out, when something told me, “look up.” My swollen eyes looked up into the sky exactly at 12:30. There in the cloud formation of San Diego was Fagen – prominent, happy and panting gently. I spoke out, “I love you. Forgive me for not being present.” Instantly, I felt grace and knew his spirit was well. And so is mine. And so it is…
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