When the newspaper article about my book Coming To Forgiveness was featured in October, I was reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Even though my family knew I was writing, suddenly, I was at odds with an important family member. There were hurt feelings, ridicule, and threatened estrangement. Overnight, I had to decide which parts of my domestication still ruled my actions.
At first my inner critic caught me by the throat with the fear of rejection. Judgements about what other people would think followed me around like a dark cloud. Afterall, I was sharing some of the family secrets, and that was enough to be cursed forever. And then after pondering my own journey from brokenness to wholeness, I mustered up the courage to remember, I am no longer a victim - I will not condemn myself to hell. I looked myself in the mirror and declared, This is you living in your personal power with humility and grace!
But could I really do it?
Understanding that my words were power, it took every ounce of consciousness to keep creating the feeling of love and compassion, while contemplating the situation. Every opportunity to speak about my family love one, whether to another family member or in my thoughts was from a place of positivity. I envisioned sweet fruit bearing from the seeds of my words. And at the same time, spoke my truth. It felt honest, free and clean without gossip being nurtured.
But how could I not take my love ones stance personally? The words I was hearing about me were filled with accusations. "I was causing sleepless nights, turmoil, and soiling others reputations." Or was I?
Because I love my family member, it was challenging and I decided to leave the problem in their lap, as I recognized the fear and judgments were not my own.
From there it was less difficult to let go and breathe. I pledged to dislodge my interpretation, vivid imagination and assumptions. I decided on patience and waited for the right opportunity to inquire. I felt if we could both listen and speak from our hearts, love would sustain us.
Yesterday as emotions spilled forward, I was invited by spirit into the practice of the agreements - the power of my words, releasing the need to be right, letting go of anything negative spoken about me, not reacting, asking questions, listening deeply, asking more questions... I couldn't change my love one, but I could do my best to bring everything I'm learning about FORGIVENESS and the agreements to this very moment.
What began on shaky ground lead to understanding, appreciation of the other and a promise of reconcilation. I had surrendered, let go and once again felt the power of love.
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