forgiveness

Forgiving Procrastination

Yesterday, I cleaned the garage. Over the winter, I watched the bags, boxes, shoes, books, old furniture, Christmas decorations, and Goodwill items grow like weeds, until there was barely a path to walk. My car had been banished outdoors months ago, and what remained was a growing mess of stuff and clutter.

Sweeping, stooping, and clearing, I started reflecting on the projects, task, and promises to myself, that I put off for a another day, a week, a month, a year, or longer. I wondered, what were the motivators for me to complete some items and not others?  Why could I always keep my "to do" obligations to family, friends and colleagues, but often fail in my obligations to self?

Each sweep brought a layer of reflection going back decades, of should's and ought to's, until I found myself swollen with emotions. Guilt and blame, peppered with those old feelings of fear and failure steamed through me until I concluded, 'It's about what I value, mood, and distractions.' Funny how I can get something completed, when I don't allow artificial barriers to get in my way. Funnier still, how the seemingly mundane things get done, sometimes with glee, when my mood is light and airy. I realized, there isn't anything that can't get done, unless I make excuses and avoid choosing consciousness.

It all took me back to my days of rebellion and defiance, when I wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Of course, that was before I entered the REAL world. But I wondered, are trances of that behavior still present? Most times, I tell myself there is no time; too many competiting obligations. And then I stare truth in the face. No rebuttals or excuses. You have the time. You haven't made it a priority!

Which brings me to this very moment, which Pema Chodron tells us, "Is the greatest teacher."

I have been promising myself for over a year to regularly write a blog for both my sites. I will not flog myself dreaming of WHAT IF, but starting right now, TODAY, I will not be discouraged by the tricksters of life. (I erased the first completed draft of this blog by mistake). I will relax into projects, taking one step at a time, like eating the elephant, one bite at a time. But mostly, I will remember to take deep slow breaths of forgiveness. Remember my hearts intention. And vibrate to one of my favorite sayings, "It's Never Too Late." And when I relapse, I will not be discouraged, remembering that forgiveness is the key to the freedom of my soul.

One last thing. Delight and a sense of accomplishment greeted me as I opened the garage door this morning. Order felt restored. Energy flowed. My car got a bubble bath, reunited with shelter. Now why did that take so long?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

When You Believe!

It was by sheer coincidence (is there such a thing?) that the notice "Two Days left to enter the San Francisco Book Festival" splashed across my husbands computer screen. Excitingly, he suggested that I enter. Suspiciously, I filled out the entry form, sure it was a waste of time. Why? To keep my biggest supporter from bugging me AGAIN, about selling myself short.

A few weeks later, the notice of the winners flashed on my computer with an invitation to the awards ceremony at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel in SF. With no anticipation, I glanced over the list and saw "Honorable Mention" next to my name. It was an outer body experience and didn't register! When my husband came home, I shared the results, and he was elated. My response was, "Oh, they give that recognition to everyone." Duh!! He didn't question me, but thought to himself, "How can that be?"

The weekend of the awards came and went, but something kept nudging me about my assumption. With the inner critique loudly in my ear, I wrote the organizer, "Did everyone that entered receive an Honorable Mention?" "Absolutely NOT, less than 5% are recognized" was the response. Duh again, and talk about feeling foolish!! Now what was I going to say to my husband?

I still can't explain it. Why couldn't I believe what my eyes could see? Was it so extrordinary to belive that I could be recognized? Where did the assumptions of my books worth reside in me? I  have pondered these questions with family, friends and fellow writers. And the only answer that makes any sense is my unwillingness to BELIEVE in being Good Enough!!

It's all taken me back through the memories of being too afriad to enter a contest, market, or publicize the many creative projects I have manfiested over the years. What am I afraid of? Failure or Success? I know from experience that through our failures we learn, we grown, we become fearless, warriors, triumphant, wise ones. So maybe it's S-U-C-C-E-S-S. Yes, I think that's it. Taking responsibility for failures comes easy, but believing in my success. Hmmmm, that's another story.

So here I am today with 3 Honorable Mentions at the San Francisco, Beach Book and New York Festival. I am still in reflection about all of this, seeing with new eyes. Trusting GOD with a deepened appreciation. Believing with renewed faith, that my feet are solidly planted on this path of bringing the message of forgiveness to as many as will listen. But mostly, to myself!

 

 

 

 

I'm So Excited!!

Wasn't that Sister Sledge that sang that song?  Now, I am claiming it as my theme song as I prepare to listen to my first radio interview, "Forgiveness is the Path" hosted by Justine Willis Toms, Program Manager at New Dimensions Radio.

It will air beginning Wednesday, May 2^nd in the afternoon and will be listed on their front page for two weeks where you may tune-in for “free” streaming listening. The interview can be downloaded at any time for $1.99, and with the download you will be able to make your own CD copies, play it on MP3’s and other listening devices, or listen to it on your computer. Later in the month a free download will be available here on my website.

Our dialogue explores many topics: Growing up with expectations as the preacher’s daughter, the responsibility of being the oldest, the path to forgiveness, how to start a circle, the difference between circle and therapy and much more. Justine inquires about the backstory of writing my book, how my family responded to my telling “family secrets” and my experience of circle as I struggled to find peace within myself.

“My first discovery of 
healing was provided by sitting in a women's circle. I had an opportunity to look at myself through the eyes of these
 women with such love and with no judgment. It was unbelievable to me…. the fire that was ignited in the center that kept burning in me as I returned home…it created transformation and actually transmutation in me. I became
 a different person. For the first time, I was able to face myself in a way 
with deep love."

I have heard from many of you about how my book has touched you. Those words are music to my ears. I am grateful and thank you ALL for the support in getting the word out about “Coming To Forgiveness.”

 

The Journey..... to New Dimensions Radio

For the last eleven years Justine Toms, Co-Founder and Managing Producer of New Dimensions Radio and I have sat as original members of The Millionth Circle. We have shared stories, laughed, cried, dreamed, listened deeply, sat in silence, been roommates in Barcelona, Spain and traveled to be in circle at the Chalice Well in Glastonbury England. And nothing was more fulfilling and joyful than being interviewed this past Friday for the May radio broadcast. 

New Dimensions has been around since the 70's when Justine and her husband Michael Toms began asking the question, what does it mean to be human and live in harmony?  It is a question with many twists and turns that leaves me asking even more questions of myself, and my relationship to this universe.  Over the decades the worlds leading-edge guest have included, everybody from Nobel Peace Prize winners to famous playwrights and the Dalai Lama, Maya Angelou, Joseph Campbell, Alice Walker, and Wangari Maathai, to name a very few. Each broadcast has held the listener in a place of reflection as words of emergence, transformation, awareness, inter-connection, possibilities, silence, consciousness... have penetrated our ears, and our hearts.

And so, as I read from my book - the funny chapter when the bug gets down my dress, I'm screaming, while the good folks think I've got the holy spirit....I had to pinch myself.  Here I was sitting across the table from this exquisite interviewer and gracious soul Justine, with the mic all attached and specific instructions about not moving or popping  my knuckles (something I do when I'm a little nervous). Yes, here I was being interviewed and realizing once again, 'had it not been for the JOURNEY,' I most likely would not be speaking these words of race, rage, religion, circle, healing, forgiveness...for world-wide radio.

And so, I say to you and you and you, keep pressing on, stay on the path, keep your dreams alive even when the load feels too heavy to push on.  Know that you are held in a circle of grace and you never know who you will meet, or what gentle being will ask you to share your lessons learned one day. You never know the Justine's in your life, that will partner with you to radiant your light!

You may find my interview here, on the front page for the next week!!

 

 

Ole Southern Healing

Images of the ole South played pitter patter with my mind, as I sat quietly holding the space this past weekend in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. There I was, the facilitator of this Board Retreat offering guidance, asking questions, playing music, reading poetry, eating together, holding hands, and only one other person's ethnicity was the same as mine. More than a few times, I looked around, felt my heart opening, and realized, "Things had changed."  

When I left the South in 1963, the images of mistreatment, prejudice, and discrimination traveled like worn luggage with me. Buried within, I licked my wounds and made a silent pledge to myself that I would never come back except to visit family.  More than a few times, my husband had jokingly inquired with curiosity, "Let's move to the South."  That's when my pledge was revealed, coated by an emotion deep inside me, as I responded, "Are you crazy? Never."  

But this weekend as we closed the circle, tears un-expectantly filled my eyes. I could feel ML King, those that had sacrificed their lives, and my own father smiling down on me with compassion and grace. Angry expressions worn with bitterness and outcry that, "I was second class'' were healed, as I looked upon the faces of these women. It was a moment I will never forget.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. Racism still exist. While integration is in full bloom, I witnessed little evidence of integrated friendships or relationships.  African Americans jogged, walked the trails, ate red beans and rice, shopped, rode in automobiles, and attended church with other African Americans. But then, is this so different than other parts of the country? 

For a long time, I have believed, if you want FULL integration in your life, you must open yourself up to diversity in ways that challenge all your old stereotypes. If you want it, you must be open to a dialogue where myths and beliefs are flushed out into the open. You must be open to believe, we are all inter-connected. It is a humbling experience!

And for this time around, to every women who's eyes I glazed into...I appreciate the hugs and genuine acceptance that I felt; the welcome I received, peer to peer - equal. Yes, much has changed. And I suppose at the core, the change has also happened in me!

Every day forgiveness, the prelude for love!

Yesterday's brilliant rainbow of purple, yellow, orange and blue was the perfect preparation for waking up to Valentine's Day. Today, I am remembering that 25 years ago, I married my husband John in Maui, Hawaii. Oh what a time that was feeling the meaning of love rays floating all around us as we spoke the words, 'I DO.' Rain fell lightly around the little church in Lahaina, as fire filled our hearts with the knowing we would be together for this lifetime. And then, as we burst out the doors hand in hand, a brilliant rainbow stretched boldly and intentionally across the entire sky.

As I look back at the pictures of me dressed in ivory, with this wide silly grin on my face, I shake my head in recognition of the places in me that I didn't know. All the blind spots, grit, and pebbles mixed in with the sweetness of honeysuckles. Oh you couldn't tell me I didn't know everything there was to know about love on that day. But whew, finding the meaning of unshakable love was coming around the mountain like a bullet train.  Was I ready?

Over the years, what I would come to understand was that I wouldn't know fully, at a soul level what it means to love, until I was ready to do the vulnerable work of love with myself. I would come to understand that I couldn't completely love another until I loved EVERYTHING about me - every perceived blunder, fumble, judgment, and flaw. Every musty decay AND beautiful lemon drop of that which I know to be me. Ask me, "Was it challenging?" And I will truthfully say, "Heart work is some hard work", worst than getting on your knees scrubbing corners with a toothbrush. Um, now I'm dating myself.

And in the midst of it all, I found the key; that central ingredient that made everything savory. I found that forgiveness of myself for all the past moments of IF, WISH I WOULD HAVE and SORRY THAT I DID THIS OR THAT served not one purpose, but to keep me stuck from showing up fully and magnificently in my own beingness. So, here I am filled with gratitude, grace, and humility for the journey. It was wild and a many a day I found myself screaming, hair standing on my head, as life peeled my hands from around the handle bars, until I could completely let go. Here I am filled with the lightness for life, knowing what it means to love fully, graciously, openly, and joyfully...what it means to love unselfessly with forgiveness at the core. Forgiveness for myself, for others, and for my wonderful husband.

And, as I glaze out on this blessed day, I only ask one thing of myself and of each of us. To remember that every day is an opportunity to love - to give a warm hug, speak a kind word, and send our positive energy all around the world. Every day is an opportunity for forgiveness, the  prelude for love; the key to our humanity.