forgiveness

When You Believe!

It was by sheer coincidence (is there such a thing?) that the notice "Two Days left to enter the San Francisco Book Festival" splashed across my husbands computer screen. Excitingly, he suggested that I enter. Suspiciously, I filled out the entry form, sure it was a waste of time. Why? To keep my biggest supporter from bugging me AGAIN, about selling myself short.

A few weeks later, the notice of the winners flashed on my computer with an invitation to the awards ceremony at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel in SF. With no anticipation, I glanced over the list and saw "Honorable Mention" next to my name. It was an outer body experience and didn't register! When my husband came home, I shared the results, and he was elated. My response was, "Oh, they give that recognition to everyone." Duh!! He didn't question me, but thought to himself, "How can that be?"

The weekend of the awards came and went, but something kept nudging me about my assumption. With the inner critique loudly in my ear, I wrote the organizer, "Did everyone that entered receive an Honorable Mention?" "Absolutely NOT, less than 5% are recognized" was the response. Duh again, and talk about feeling foolish!! Now what was I going to say to my husband?

I still can't explain it. Why couldn't I believe what my eyes could see? Was it so extrordinary to belive that I could be recognized? Where did the assumptions of my books worth reside in me? I  have pondered these questions with family, friends and fellow writers. And the only answer that makes any sense is my unwillingness to BELIEVE in being Good Enough!!

It's all taken me back through the memories of being too afriad to enter a contest, market, or publicize the many creative projects I have manfiested over the years. What am I afraid of? Failure or Success? I know from experience that through our failures we learn, we grown, we become fearless, warriors, triumphant, wise ones. So maybe it's S-U-C-C-E-S-S. Yes, I think that's it. Taking responsibility for failures comes easy, but believing in my success. Hmmmm, that's another story.

So here I am today with 3 Honorable Mentions at the San Francisco, Beach Book and New York Festival. I am still in reflection about all of this, seeing with new eyes. Trusting GOD with a deepened appreciation. Believing with renewed faith, that my feet are solidly planted on this path of bringing the message of forgiveness to as many as will listen. But mostly, to myself!

 

 

 

 

I'm So Excited!!

Wasn't that Sister Sledge that sang that song?  Now, I am claiming it as my theme song as I prepare to listen to my first radio interview, "Forgiveness is the Path" hosted by Justine Willis Toms, Program Manager at New Dimensions Radio.

It will air beginning Wednesday, May 2^nd in the afternoon and will be listed on their front page for two weeks where you may tune-in for “free” streaming listening. The interview can be downloaded at any time for $1.99, and with the download you will be able to make your own CD copies, play it on MP3’s and other listening devices, or listen to it on your computer. Later in the month a free download will be available here on my website.

Our dialogue explores many topics: Growing up with expectations as the preacher’s daughter, the responsibility of being the oldest, the path to forgiveness, how to start a circle, the difference between circle and therapy and much more. Justine inquires about the backstory of writing my book, how my family responded to my telling “family secrets” and my experience of circle as I struggled to find peace within myself.

“My first discovery of 
healing was provided by sitting in a women's circle. I had an opportunity to look at myself through the eyes of these
 women with such love and with no judgment. It was unbelievable to me…. the fire that was ignited in the center that kept burning in me as I returned home…it created transformation and actually transmutation in me. I became
 a different person. For the first time, I was able to face myself in a way 
with deep love."

I have heard from many of you about how my book has touched you. Those words are music to my ears. I am grateful and thank you ALL for the support in getting the word out about “Coming To Forgiveness.”

 

The Journey..... to New Dimensions Radio

For the last eleven years Justine Toms, Co-Founder and Managing Producer of New Dimensions Radio and I have sat as original members of The Millionth Circle. We have shared stories, laughed, cried, dreamed, listened deeply, sat in silence, been roommates in Barcelona, Spain and traveled to be in circle at the Chalice Well in Glastonbury England. And nothing was more fulfilling and joyful than being interviewed this past Friday for the May radio broadcast. 

New Dimensions has been around since the 70's when Justine and her husband Michael Toms began asking the question, what does it mean to be human and live in harmony?  It is a question with many twists and turns that leaves me asking even more questions of myself, and my relationship to this universe.  Over the decades the worlds leading-edge guest have included, everybody from Nobel Peace Prize winners to famous playwrights and the Dalai Lama, Maya Angelou, Joseph Campbell, Alice Walker, and Wangari Maathai, to name a very few. Each broadcast has held the listener in a place of reflection as words of emergence, transformation, awareness, inter-connection, possibilities, silence, consciousness... have penetrated our ears, and our hearts.

And so, as I read from my book - the funny chapter when the bug gets down my dress, I'm screaming, while the good folks think I've got the holy spirit....I had to pinch myself.  Here I was sitting across the table from this exquisite interviewer and gracious soul Justine, with the mic all attached and specific instructions about not moving or popping  my knuckles (something I do when I'm a little nervous). Yes, here I was being interviewed and realizing once again, 'had it not been for the JOURNEY,' I most likely would not be speaking these words of race, rage, religion, circle, healing, forgiveness...for world-wide radio.

And so, I say to you and you and you, keep pressing on, stay on the path, keep your dreams alive even when the load feels too heavy to push on.  Know that you are held in a circle of grace and you never know who you will meet, or what gentle being will ask you to share your lessons learned one day. You never know the Justine's in your life, that will partner with you to radiant your light!

You may find my interview here, on the front page for the next week!!

 

 

Living Forgiveness - The Four Agreements

When the newspaper article about my book Coming To Forgiveness was featured in October, I was reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Even though my family knew I was writing, suddenly, I was at odds with an important family member. There were hurt feelings, ridicule, and threatened estrangement. Overnight, I had to decide which parts of my domestication still ruled my actions. 

At first my inner critic caught me by the throat with the fear of rejection. Judgements about what other people would think followed me around like a dark cloud. Afterall, I was sharing some of the family secrets, and that was enough to be cursed forever. And then after pondering my own journey from brokenness to wholeness, I mustered up the courage to remember, I am no longer a victim - I will not condemn myself to hell.  I looked myself in the mirror and declared, This is you living in your personal power with humility and grace!

But could I really do it?  

Understanding that my words were power, it took every ounce of consciousness to keep creating the feeling of love and compassion, while contemplating the situation. Every opportunity to speak about my family love one, whether to another family member or in my thoughts was from a place of positivity. I envisioned sweet fruit bearing from the seeds of my words. And at the same time, spoke my truth. It felt honest, free and clean without gossip being nurtured.

But how could I not take my love ones stance personally?  The words I was hearing about me were filled with accusations. "I was causing sleepless nights, turmoil, and soiling others reputations." Or was I?

Because I love my family member, it was challenging and I decided to leave the problem in their lap, as I recognized the fear and judgments were not my own.

From there it was less difficult to let go and breathe. I pledged to dislodge my interpretation, vivid imagination and assumptions. I decided on patience and waited for the right opportunity to inquire. I felt if we could both listen and speak from our hearts, love would sustain us.

Yesterday as emotions spilled forward, I was invited by spirit into the practice of the agreements - the power of my words, releasing the need to be right, letting go of anything negative spoken about me, not reacting, asking questions, listening deeply, asking more questions... I couldn't change my love one, but I could do my best to bring everything I'm learning about FORGIVENESS and the agreements to this very moment. 

What began on shaky ground lead to understanding, appreciation of the other and a promise of reconcilation. I had surrendered, let go and once again felt the power of love.

 

It's Never Too Late to Forgive...

I was fifteen and a half, but my body ached like I was ninety. I kept playing the day’s horrid unfolding over and over in my mind as I looked up at the sky, searching for God. Where had He been? Why had He let this happen to me? I was a good girl. My heart thumped with an intensity that made it difficult to breathe. Ice filled my veins but was no contest for the pain that felt like fire against my flesh. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Suddenly, a thousand stars bumped against each other forming a jeweled crown on the night with one message. One day I will tell my story.

And so begins my book, Coming To Forgiveness.

It’s been almost fifty years since that fateful day in February, when, writhing in pain, I looked up at the stars and knew I would one day write this story. What I didn’t know was that I would first be required to rid myself of bitterness, revenge, victimization, and guilt before I could put one word to paper. I knew that another angry story served no benefit to our human kind. I wanted to write a story of hope, healing, love, and redemption.

As the years tumbled forward, I realized my only desire was to feel worthy, and it became clearer that my life’s journey has always been about forgiveness. Forgiveness without conditional ifs, buts, excuses, or buckets of blame. It has become my sacred circle work.

I have come full circle to this place of forgiveness. For a very long time, I blamed myself, ridiculed myself, got mad at myself, hated myself, tried to kill myself, and when I wasn’t doing that, I pointed my finger at others, mostly my parents. In the end, I found the finger pointed at me. I’m now in the practice of going back through my life to ask anyone I wronged to “please forgive me.” It’s so freeing because I’ve found forgiveness is not just words I say casually, forgiveness is an embodiment in my soul.

Forgiveness is a way of being that I accept as a gift that flows through me from God to you. We’re never too old to learn and we’re never so complete that we can’t forgive. Just think how our world would be if this were our daily practice!!

Waking Up to my “Little Girl”

I was like a little girl as I peeked out the front door at 5:30 this morning, wondering, “Has the newspaper arrived?” And then I saw it wrapped in green plastic (it rained last night).  I clutched the paper in my hand, as if, it were a precious present left by Santa under the Christmas tree. I was patient, as I switched on the kitchen light moving with intention, glancing through the first section, and then the business section.

Remember when you opened Christmas presents? Were you the kind that tore the wrapping off or took your time? Anyway, I kept thumbing to the third section, and then “Viola” there on the front page was my picture in living color. “Oh My God” I screamed, grabbing my face with excitement just like I did when I was a little girl. I first checked myself out, before reading the beautiful article about my soon to be published memoir, Coming To Forgiveness. Once I stopped jumping up and down, I settled into this feeling from long ago and remembered how alive it feels to be pregnant with expectation, wonder, and excitement.  

This little girl has been on a journey for almost 50 years. Most days she’s got on her big girl panties, but this morning, she was reminded how good it feels to be giddy and free.

Have you welcomed your “little girl” in your life lately? The “little girl” that is playful, fun, light, ready for the magic that always shows up? No matter what is on our plate, we always have the opportunity to invite her in…if only for a little while. Try it. I guarantee, she will put a smile on your face!!